


Lover, Please Stay

by kunstaeilation



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Character Death, Established Relationship, Horror, M/M, Murder, Psychological Horror, Unreliable Narrator, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-24
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-11-09 03:03:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20846474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kunstaeilation/pseuds/kunstaeilation
Summary: Sunday, February 10th, 2019That's strange. Yesterday was my birthday, but I don't remember much about last night. Weird. Jaehyun and I had brunch, went to watch a movie, and then...? Did we go out for dinner? Did we come home? I think we went out for dinner. We always go out for dinner on our birthdays, but why don't I remember anything? Well, whatever. I'll ask Jaehyun about it later.





	Lover, Please Stay

**Author's Note:**

> **warning:** i purposefully tagged this real vaguely to avoid any spoilers so if you have any major triggers, just scroll to the very bottom of the end notes.

**Friday, February 15th, 2019 **

I think there’s something wrong with me lately, like my memory isn’t as good as before. I mean, I’m not exactly Sherlock Holmes and all, but I remember plenty of things about people, y’know? But then I forgot Jaehyun’s birthday yesterday. My very own boyfriend’s birthday, forgotten. It’s even the easiest thing to remember with it being on Valentine’s Day and all, but I just… I don’t know. It’s strange. I don’t forget people’s birthdays let alone Jaehyun’s. We’ve been together for nearly four years and I’ve never forgotten it. Not once. I even started planning for it before the month even started but somewhere somehow, it just slipped my mind and became all about Valentine’s instead. It wasn’t until his parents called to wish him happy birthday that I finally remembered, but that’s not what’s worrying me. It’s today.

When I woke up this morning, I had the strangest feeling. It was peculiar like someone woke me up with a cold bucket of water, but there was no water. It was more like I opened my eyes and I was just awake. Does that make sense? There was none of that usual sluggishness where you don’t quite feel there yet mentally and need some time to wake. I just opened my eyes and I was ready to go. Strange, right? But even after that, something even more unusual happened. When I went to brush my teeth, I realized that I was still wearing my clothes from the night before.

Now, maybe that in itself isn’t too unusual. It’s quite possible that I just collapsed into bed, but here’s the kicker: I don’t have any memory of last night. It looks crazy when I write it down like that. I mean, it sounds crazy too. All I remember is going out for dinner with Jaehyun and then… well, by the time I checked the time when I woke up today, it was 2 PM. A whole several hours gone. I tried asking Jaehyun about it when he got home from work earlier, but he gave me this confused look and I didn’t want to tell him I forgot his birthday yesterday, so I just dropped it. That makes it two times now. Strange.

**Thursday, February 28th, 2019**

I lost a couple of hours of my memory again last night. It was the exact same thing as last time too. I woke up in bed feeling a little off but this time, I looked down at my clothes and there it was—my white t-shirt and jeans that I put on the night before instead of just boxers like I usually do. Like last time, I didn’t have the faintest idea of what I did the night before, at least not until five minutes ago. There are pictures of me on Instagram from last night—ones that I don’t remember being taken. It was Ten’s birthday yesterday, so we all went out to celebrate with dinner and a couple of drinks at his favorite Thai place, but I don’t remember anything. Not a single thing. God, that sounds fucked up. Really fucked up, actually. How can I not remember not a single thing? All there is is getting dressed up and then…? How did we get there? How did we get home? Hell, I don’t even remember what we even _ate. _There were so many people there too… Taeyong, Mark, Doyoung, Yuta. Even Kun’s back from China and you’re telling me I can’t remember him being there last night? I think I gotta call Jaehyun, but he’s busy at work. Maybe Taeyong? Doyoung? No, it has to be Jaehyun. I have to call him. I’m just… I’m going to call him.

**Friday, March 1st, 2019**

Yesterday was a bit of a mess to say the least. When I called Jaehyun, I didn’t really know what to say to him. I mean, how am I supposed to explain that there’s random missing chunks in my memory? How do I even _begin_ to explain that? I can’t. I couldn’t. I kept trying and trying to tell him, but he just didn’t get it. I’m not surprised though; this whole thing _is_ absurd after all. But by trying to explain it so much, it started really sinking in how fucked up the entire thing is. I knew it was bad already, but I guess I just didn’t understand the extent of it until yesterday and when I did, I just sobbed. I more than sobbed, really. I… I guess I panicked? Yeah, that sounds more like it. It was like this intense fear came out of nowhere and slammed down on me and I couldn’t breathe. No matter how I tried and gasped, it just didn’t work. I could even feel my lungs spasming and burning from trying and Jaehyun’s voice on the phone asking me what was wrong and if I was okay over and over again. I wanted to answer him, to tell him to come home and help me, but the words wouldn’t come out.

Then there was this kind of terror_._ It was like a horrible sludge seeping into my veins filling me with this kind of utter wrongness—a kind of doom. At one point, I even thought I was going to die. I mean, it felt like I was going to die. I could feel myself growing lightheaded and weak as the seconds ticked by and I could hear my own heartbeat rapidly thudding in my ears with each beat taking any bit of oxygen I had left. I tried to slow it down. I really, really tried to slow it down, but it didn’t. It wouldn’t. My heart just kept beating and beating and it wouldn’t slow down. I couldn’t breathe and I thought I was going to die and why wouldn’t it just _slow down_ and-

You know what, never mind. No more. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I can feel that fear coming back just thinking about it. In any case, Jaehyun came home early from work. Guess he must’ve heard me losing my mind or something. I don’t know, but I do know I freaked him out. I feel bad about it now, but I’m really glad he came home. I needed him. I really, really needed him.

**Monday, March 4th. 2019**

Not much to say today. The weekend was a perfectly lazy sort of quiet where all Jaehyun and I did was stay at home all weekend long watching movies and cooking together. It’s almost too quiet after all that craziness on Thursday. At one point, I was almost convinced that that entire thing never happened, but one look at the concerned stare on Jaehyun’s face and I knew it wasn’t true. The elephant in the room was just much too big for either of us to ignore. Still, it was lovely to spend the weekend together.

When we finally spoke about it late last night, Jaehyun was still having problems wrapping his head around the idea that I was missing some memories but when I told him I forgot his birthday last month, it finally got through to him, I think. In fact, it got through to him a little _too_ well cause he got this look on his face. Not that dimpled pursed-lipped face he makes whenever he’s trying to puzzle things together, but this almost stoic, pensive kind of expression—the one where he kind of looks down at the floor while listening with his brows knitted together, eyes darting back and forth. I don’t really know what that look meant, but I do know that that it really hammered in how fucked up of a situation this entire thing is, especially when Jaehyun told me that I should go see a doctor.

Yes, that’s right. He said I should go to the doctor. I really, _really_ don’t want to. I just don’t like doctors, y’know? They always make me a little too nervous, a little too jittery whenever I do go. Something about the endless stream of questions, the all too carefully cultivated look of a blank pleasantry—I don’t like it. I was about to argue with Jaehyun over it, but there was just that _look_ and I just… I don’t know. The urge just left me as soon as I saw it. There’s something deeply familiar about that expression but I can’t quite pinpoint where I’ve seen it before. It’s not quite concern, not disappointment, not sadness, not anger. Just what is it? I don’t know. Either way, I made an appointment. It’s on Wednesday.

**Wednesday, March 6th, 2019**

Went to see the doctor today. It was a new doctor I haven’t been to before. Doctor Moon Taeil was how he introduced himself to me. I’ve never seen that before—a doctor introducing himself. It might have something to do with his age. He’s young, likely freshly out of med school but I don’t mind. He treats me like a person. I’m used to the kind of doctors who hear what I say, but never listen. They just prattle question after question staring at the computer screen as they type away, but this doctor took the time to look and actually listen. It was nice for a change. Really nice.

He asked all the usual questions that doctors always ask like whether I smoke, how often I exercise, if I drink, what’s my diet like, etcetc. Like I said, the usual. Once he started delving into why I was there however, he had this look on his face. I feel like I’ve been getting a lot of strange looks from people around me lately, but that’s what they are: odd looks. But it was nice to see in a way even if it was a bit alarming. The frown on his face let me know that he was truly listening and that he was taking my concerns seriously. He asked me when this memory loss first started, how long it’s been going on, and much, much more. Now that I think about it, perhaps this entire thing has been going on for far longer than I had thought. Strange. You’d think I’d remember something as huge as missing some memories here and there, but I just don’t remember. Isn’t that ironic? It’s almost like a sick joke, but I don’t think it is. There’s just this feeling. I don’t know what else to say about it. Anyway, the doctor ordered an MRI and a couple of other tests. Let’s hope that whatever this is, it’s nothing crazy.

**Saturday, March 9th, 2019**

It happened again last night. That’s four times now. Four times in what, a month? Two months? I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. These past few weeks feel like they’ve blended together into one indistinguishable stretch of time. I feel like I should be freaking out more about this. I _want_ to freak out, but I don’t know. I can’t quite find the energy for it right now. I just feel numb and hollow inside. Even Jaehyun’s more worried than I am and he’s not the one with a gap in his memories. I can feel him fretting in the kitchen right now while trying to make us breakfast, but I just don’t feel anything. Why is that? Well, whatever.

Just had breakfast with Jaehyun and he made me all my favorite things: pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon—the works. I didn’t really have an appetite though; everything just kind of tasted bland and bitter, but I tried my best to clear my plate. Jaehyun put in a lot of effort after all. While we ate, I asked him what we did the night before and apparently all we did was go out for a movie before coming home to fuck. That explains why I woke up naked this time. You know, somewhere in the back of my mind I thought I’d at least remember something as instinctive and primal as having sex with Jaehyun, but I don’t. I don’t remember. I… I don’t remember.

Oh god. Oh my god, I don’t _remember_. Why? _Why?_ Why don’t I remember fucking Jaehyun? Why don’t I remember going out to see the movie we’ve been wanting to watch for weeks? Why? Fuck, I couldn’t even remember his birthday. _Shit_. Shit, shit, shit. This is fucked up. This is insane. I can’t just not remember anything. How is this possible?

Jaehyun—where is he? He said he was going to do some errands. When was that? An hour ago? Two? Shouldn’t he be back by now? Why did he choose today of all days to get groceries? Oh god, what if I’m dying? Jaehyun, I need Jaehyun. Phone, phone. Where is- oh. Found it. I can call him. I can call him.

**Monday, March 11th, 2019**

When did I last write? Sunday? Monday? _Saturday_?? That long ago? Oh. It’s Monday. Today is Monday. Christ, my mind feels like a mess. Let me think for a moment. Saturday. Ah yes, Saturday. That day was decidedly not a fun day for me. Jaehyun was already driving home when I called and thank god for that because I was starting to panic a little there, but everything was fine once he was back. Ever since then however, things have been a tiny bit strange between the two of us. Not tense, but Jaehyun just feels extra attentive towards me. Any time I need something, he’s just there without me asking. Sometimes he’s there before I even realize I need him. It’s probably for the best too. I just don’t quite feel like myself, jumping at every little thing I see and hear, constantly losing my phone every other hour, walking into a room and completely forgetting what I was going to do. It’s like I’m here, but I’m not. Everything is slow and sluggish, but at the same time I don’t really notice it either. Does that make sense?

Anyway, that’s been this weekend. Jaehyun’s at work right now but I’m leaving for my MRI and bloodwork. It’s strange. I don’t want them to find anything unusual, but at the same time I do cause if they did, then I wouldn’t be left hanging in the dark anymore. 

**Thursday, March 15th, 2019**

The doctor’s office called today and said everything’s fine with my MRI, but the doctor still wants me to come in to go over some other test results. The earliest that they can get me in is next Wednesday. Why do they have to be so busy? I lost another day again. I think I lost a day. I don’t know. I don’t remember. I don’t remember much lately. Just last night I couldn’t find my phone again and I was on the verge of tears when Jaehyun pointed at it. It was on the table beside our bed where I always keep it. I cried then. I just felt so silly. Of all places I looked, why didn’t I look there? It should’ve been the very first place I checked, but for whatever reason I just didn’t.

I’m also having issues falling asleep and staying asleep this week. It’s just scary. What if I wake up and I don’t know who I am anymore? If I wake and I don’t know where I am, who Jaehyun is? Just woke up and forgot all that I am now? I just… I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to be alone. Not sleeping at night means that I sleep during the day however. Sometimes, I don’t even see a hint of daylight for days in a row. Other times, it’s nothing but daylight. I should try to sleep though. Trying to stay awake will probably worsen whatever this thing is. I also think I’m starting to go a little crazy from not sleeping enough.

**<strike>Mon</strike> <strike>Sun</strike> Tuesday, March 19th, 2019**

Is it Tuesday already? My phone says it’s Tuesday so it must be Tuesday. That means my doctor’s appointment is tomorrow. I should write myself a sticky note. There’s lots of those these days—sticky notes. They’re all over the house on the bathroom mirrors, the kitchen cabinets, the front door, my laptop. I don’t remember writing some of them. Some notes don’t even look like my own, but they must be because that’s definitely not Jaehyun’s writing. There’s nothing particularly important written on them. In fact, they’re all rather mundane. Just taking a look at them is a disappointment, yet I can’t bring myself to take them down. I should though. Jaehyun looks uncomfortable about them. I mean, he hasn’t said a single thing about them, but I know. Once in a while, I even catch him lingering in front of a cluster with a pained look on his face, but it’s alright. Everything will be fine cause I think I know what’s wrong with me now.

See, I was up all night <strike>Tuesday</strike> a few days ago doing some research on the internet. At first, I thought that maybe I had Alzheimer’s or something. Ridiculous, I know. I’m still young, but my grandma had it and well, I got a little more than just paranoid but everything I read said it was impossible and when I say I read things on the internet, I mean it. I pored over all the websites I could find both credible and not. I read a whole bunch of papers and journals until my head was about to explode, but I think the most likely answer is that I must have a tumor or something. I know the doctor said that my MRI was fine, but doctors always make mistakes. They probably made a mistake this time too.

Jaehyun thinks I’m being silly, but I don’t think so. How else can you explain this? It’s not like I fell down and hit my head or anything. No seizures, no trauma, no medications—nothing. Still, we fought about it. I guess he does have a point about staying awake for two days straight on my laptop, but I don’t think he gets it either. He says I’m scaring him, but this entire thing is scaring _me_. Either way, doctor’s tomorrow. I’ll know then. 

**Wednesday, March 20th, 2019**

Went to the doctor’s earlier today and yeah, like they said, everything really is fine other than some stuff on my blood panel. At first, I doubted Dr. Moon but then he took out my MRI results and explained what I was looking at for each picture and now I just feel like a bumbling fool. I don’t know why I doubted him in the first place. I guess this entire thing is getting to me and driving me insane. I mean, I feel insane seeing the days skip by me without any warning.

The doctor asked me how I’ve been doing, and you know what? Turs out I’m not doing so well lately. I didn’t stop to think about it until he asked, but I haven’t really been eating or sleeping. Apparently, I’m down a couple pounds too which has him pretty worried. I don’t know. I don’t feel any different. I don’t think I look any skinnier either, but the evidence was right there written on those papers. I _am_ missing quite a few days however. At least, I think I am, but I don’t really remember anymore. I mean, I have memories from my last doctor’s appointment, but it feels like a giant tangle of shit in my mind so I don’t really know how much I can’t remember other than what I’ve written down. That’s bad isn’t it? It sounds just as bad as when I told him that. 

He also asked if I felt any guilt or shame lately. That was a weird one, but now that I think about it, I have been feeling pretty ashamed of myself for putting Jaehyun through all this. Jaehyun’s been nothing but patient and understanding this entire time and I… I don’t really want to talk about it. Some days, I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. When I told Dr. Moon that, he gave me one of those stupid sympathetic smiles people always give me lately. You know that look, that look of pity where they reach out and pat your arm when they’re gloating on the inside. I hate it. I hate it when people look at me like that. I wanted to punch his face right then and there but then I don’t know. The rage disappeared just as quickly as it came and I was left wondering why I wanted to hurt him so badly, especially when he looked so genuine. I guess… I guess I’m just going insane. Am I going insane? Yeah. Maybe. No. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I’m exhausted. I wish this would all just go away.

Anyway, the doctor ordered a couple more tests. He suggested that I find a hobby to distract myself with and to try and eat and sleep more often. Something about possibly making things worse by stressing my body out. I don’t really know, but I could try it out. It’ll please Jaehyun at least. He’s been fighting with me about it for the past week. God, I’m such a fool. Did we really fight over something so stupid? I’ll have to make it up to him. Maybe we should go out for dinner tonight. Yeah, that sounds like a good idea.

**Tuesday, March 26th, 2019**

So far, so good. I took up reading again like the doc suggested. I haven’t touched a book in a long while, so it feels really good to get back into reading. I forgot how much I missed it… just sitting quietly in my chair or in bed with an enthralling story that helps me forget all this craziness that’s been going on. Jaehyun’s been a lot happier too, greeting me with a sweet smile and a kiss whenever he’s home from work and cooking all my favorites. Food still tastes weird though and sometimes I get real tired after I eat. Other than that, it’s been a great week. It almost feels like we’re back to where we were before all this madness started. Just last night I woke up to Jaehyun tightly curled up around me sleeping peacefully and soundly. It was just so blissfully normal that I started crying right then and there. I think I stayed awake just watching him until he had to get up for work. I know the doctor said I should try to sleep some more, but I couldn’t help myself—not when he stirred awake and gave me the sweetest sleepy-eyed dimpled smile. God, I love him so, so much. Can’t we just stay like this? Can’t this thing just disappear and go away?

**Wednesday, March 27th, 2019**

Test results are back and I’ve got another appointment tomorrow. I’m actually looking forward to seeing the doctor this time. Me, excited to go to the doctors. Who knew the day would come?

**Friday**

No, no, no, no, NO. It happened again. Why? _Why?!_ I was doing so well. I was sleeping the full eight hours every single day and trying my best to eat three full meals a day. I distracted myself by reading books, I went for walks and sometimes even jogged, but then _that_. Yesterday. After I came home from the doctor. Fuck. _Fuck! _ No, I have to calm down. I need to calm down. The doctor said that stress might be making it worse. I’m going to go jog or something and try and clear my mind.

Okay, I’m okay now. I went for a jog like I said. I was going to hide out in the kitchen until Jaehyun woke up, but he was already awake by the time I got home. In fact, he was sitting in the living room, drowsily cuddling a pillow as he waited. The moment I walked in, I saw that the lights were on and that he was on the couch. Neither of us said a single word as I all but collapsed beside him, dragging him down into a cuddle. He fell asleep within minutes. Me on the other hand, I can’t sleep and my arm is going numb from Jaehyun’s weight, but I can’t bring myself to move. I don’t want to wake him—not when he looks so exhausted lately. Most likely my fault.

Ever since I got fired last year, Jaehyun’s been working harder than ever making rent and keeping us fed. I should start applying for jobs again or something, but I don’t know. After that sixth or seventh rejection, I just kind of gave up trying to apply for the same position and when I got rejected by a restaurant of all things, well, I stopped trying entirely. Jaehyun said it was fine and that we had enough savings to last for a while, but now I’m not so sure. It’s not the money I’m worried about however. It’s Jaehyun. There’s just something that feels wrong, but I can’t quite pinpoint it. He looks a little less energetic than usual, smiles a little more tiredly, looks a bit more haggard. Sometimes, he’s even puffy-eyed like he’s been crying. He does that more often now—crying. I don’t know why though. I tried asking him about it once before, but he gave me this sad kind of pained smile and told me to worry about myself first and I just… I couldn’t ask him again. He’s never been one to hold many secrets let alone hide things from me. First time for everything, I guess. I’ll try to help out around the house some more. Do the dishes and vacuum the floors more often or something. Maybe ask him about how he’s doing later. I don’t know. My mind’s still a mess.

Anyway, back to yesterday. The doctor asked how I was doing so I told him that I thought I was doing great cause I was. I was following all his recommendations to a T to which he smiled at me and told me that I’m doing a great job and to keep it up. I don’t know why, but I started crying then. I guess it’s been a while since anyone other than Jaehyun has said anything that nice to me, so it kinda hit home. I don’t really remember what happened afterwards other than me apologizing because I was embarrassed about it, but he’s a kind doctor, really, telling me that it’s perfectly normal to want to cry in my situation and that I shouldn’t apologize for it. That made me feel better.

Afterwards, he went over my latest test results with me again and told me my blood panel is still off but other than that, I’m a “healthy young man” he says. I asked him if he had any ideas as to why my memories have gone missing and he got this look on his face—a look I haven’t seen before. It was a sort of polite, uncertain half-smile. Strange if you ask me. Dr. Moon said he didn’t know what was wrong with me, but that he was trying his best to find out. He also asked if I’d be alright if he spoke with Jaehyun for a bit. It was for a “second perspective” of how I was doing, so I said sure, Jaehyun was out in the waiting room either way. He spoke to Jaehyun for good twenty minutes before Jaehyun finally came out of the room. Now that I think about it, I think Dr. Moon was scared of me. Why is that?

_I hate it when he drinks._

**Saturday, March 30th, 2019**

Jaehyun has a huge bruise on his back. He won’t tell me where he got it from and we kind of got into an argument about it. I mean, it’s a giant bruise on his back that’s nearly the size of my fist, all blotchy and purple-black. How do you even _get_ a bruise back there in the first place? That’s all I wanted to know, but he kind of ignored me and tried to brush me off, so I pushed. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but there was just something that bothered me about it like he was trying to hide something from me and well, we fought. I don’t really want to talk about it honestly, but it’s probably better that I do. That’s one of the other things Dr. Moon told me to keep doing: maintain a journal.

I guess I just feel heartbroken about the thing with Jaehyun. That’s the only word I can think of right now. We were so happy just a few days ago and now we’re right back to where we started. It’s almost cruel. Too cruel. I can hear him, hiccupping and sniffling, locked up in the bathroom. It’s not the first time I’ve heard him cry either. Once in a while, I’d wake to the sounds of quiet sniffles and the bed quivering. Guess this thing has been as hard on him as it is for me. I should do something nice for him tonight. Something nice for us. Maybe a restaurant or something… I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I feel like everything’s crumbling away and falling apart.

_He beats me when he drinks._

**<strike>Mon</strike> Tuesday, <strike>Mar</strike> April 2nd, 2019**

It’s Tuesday. My phone says it’s Tuesday. Honestly, I don’t remember much of anything over the past few days, but I can’t bring myself to care anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to care. The last thing I remember doing was going out to dinner with Jaehyun but after that, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I tried asking Jaehyun about it, but I don’t know. It was kind of weird. He said I was just doing the same thing I do every day like watching TV, reading a book, going out for a walk and all, but I don’t remember any of it. Not a single fucking thing. Did I even read a book? I swear, my bookmark is in the exact same place I left it in. I even remember where I left off. Even my Netflix looks untouched, but… Fuck, I don’t know. My mind’s a mess and I can’t keep anything straight. One thing’s for sure though, I’m not sleeping tonight. I don’t care. I’m tired of feeling muddled and lost.

_He’s a monster, but he doesn’t know._  
_ He’s a monster, but I don’t blame him though._  
_ It’s not that he forgets. It’s that he doesn’t remember in the first place._

**Wednesday, April 3rd, 2019**

It’s been exactly twenty hours since I last woke. I know because I wrote it down on a sticky note soon as I realized I forgot again, but already it’s getting difficult to stay awake. Before I know it, my eyes grow heavier and heavier and my head droops forward before I startle awake, heart racing hundred miles an hour only to repeat the exact same scenario not even ten minutes later. What happened to the resolve I had earlier? I don’t even remember it now. I’m so tired of always fighting, always forgetting. I’m so tired of all this panicking and worrying about whether I’ll be the same person when I next wake. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to forget anymore, but I’m tired. So very, very tired. Of me. Of this. But I don’t know how to stop it anymore. I don’t know how to quit.

I just want to stop. Please make it stop.

_He’s tried to quit before, but it hurts him and it hurts me._  
_ He can’t eat, can’t sleep, hears things that aren’t there, sees the unseen._  
_ He babbles, he weeps, he throws tantrums, he screams._  
_ He doesn’t know where he is or who he is. He only knows me._

**Thursday**

I fell asleep yesterday. I think I fell asleep, but it was little different this time. Instead of the dreamless sleep I’ve been having, I think I saw a little something—a little blip of a faceless man screaming and pleading with me. Was that a dream? A memory? I don’t know anymore but when I awoke, I woke not with that panicked suddenness but with tears running down my face and a heaviness in my heart. I think I must’ve woken Jaehyun up because the next thing I knew, he was asking me what was wrong and I just… I had to hold him. I needed to hold him, so I did. I held him until I stopped crying, until he snuggled close, until he fell asleep once more. I held him until he stirred awake a few hours later, until the sun was bright and high in the sky, until our stomachs growled and Jaehyun giggled.

I held him. I held him.

_I should leave him, but I don’t.  
I should hate him, but I won’t._

**<strike>Saturday?</strike> Sunday**

Another few days, gone once more. Part of me is starting to grow used to it, but that split second of confusion followed by the realization never stops being horrifying. I’ve taken to checking my clothes every morning and taking the time to see if I remember the night before. Most of the time I do, but when I don’t, well, there’s not much for me to do other than cry and wait for Jaehyun to come home. Lately however, he’s been acting weird. He pushes me away whenever I try to hug him only to come back not even a minute later wanting a cuddle and a kiss. Whenever I tell him I love him, he gives me this strange look that I’ve been seeing more and more often. It’s almost as if it hurts him, like he doesn’t want to hear those words. But why? Why?

_I love him. I hate him. It’s one and the same._  
_ I love him. I hate him. But really, I’m the one to blame._  
_ He needs me and I need him, but he loves the drink._  
_ He needs me and I need him, but down, down we sink._

**Tuesday? Wednesday?**

I think I lost some days again. I _feel_ like I lost some days, but I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore. I feel like I’m losing myself, like I’m disappearing and becoming somebody I don’t want to be. Sometimes, I don’t even know if I’m actually awake or if this is another part of forgetting. Is this real? Is this fake? Am I here? Am I not? I don’t know. I can’t even tell the difference between night and day anymore. Fuck.

I think Dr. Moon left a couple of voicemails, but I haven’t listened to a single one of them. There’s also a few messages from friends and family here and there, all of them asking me where I’ve been, if I’m doing alright, and to give them a call, but I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I don’t even want to be near somebody else. I just want Jaehyun. That’s it. That’s all. Just Jaehyun.

_He’s going, going gone,_  
_ no longer has the desire to live on._  
_ With every single swig he takes,_  
_ with every little mistake I make,_  
_ he loses his way, loses himself,_  
_ turns into a beast, turns into a fiend._  
_ How can I help? Somebody help._  
_ He needs that drink, needs that fix._  
_ But I cannot leave, I cannot flee_  
_ So I’ll put us out of our misery._

**Saturday, May 11th, 2019**

“Is it my fault?” Johnny quietly asks, the couch rustling beneath him as he looks up from the dull glint of steel in Jaehyun’s hands to that weary face.

Jaehyun shakes his head, raven strands swaying side to side with the movement. “No,” he softly says, tongue flicking out between pink lips. “It’s not.”

It’s a lie. Johnny knows it is even if Jaehyun holds his gaze steady and unwavering. He’s kind, Jaehyun is. Too kind. That’s why they’re here now. That’s why there’s a gun in that hand pointed straight at him. Vague images of red-hot fury and sobbing come to mind and Johnny squeezes his hands into fists, feeling a pang of guilt as the split skin on his knuckles tear and sting. “Am I doing It again?”

“No. You aren’t,” he purses his lips, swollen and bruised from the night before. Twin dimples briefly make their appearance before smoothing back as Jaehyun fights off a grimace. “You aren’t doing anything. Don’t think about it.” Another lie, but there’s something soothing about it. Something that eases the shame and the guilt and has Johnny sinking back against the couch and his eyes fluttering shut.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs his apology. “I promise I’ll quit.” A third lie. His own this time. Jaehyun has seen him try to stop over the years, but it’s never been easy—not with the shakes and quakes, the sweating and nausea, those imaginary monsters turned real with voices in his head and hands to touch him with.

The floor softly creaks as Jaehyun takes a step towards him. “I know you will,” that low voice comes close, couch dipping on either side of him as Jaehyun settles down on top of his lap like he’s done hundreds of times before.

“I’m sorry for hurting you as well.” Jaehyun’s warmth is comfortable. Familiar. Johnny wraps his arms around his waist, leaning his head against that sinewy shoulder as he breathes Jaehyun in. Cloying peach beneath a spicy citrus and a musky vanilla. It’s home that Johnny smells. Jaehyun is home.

“You didn’t know and I didn’t tell you,” Jaehyun’s voice is a low soothing rumble beneath the lazy pitter patter of raindrops. Johnny’s lips tug up into a bitter smile and he tightens his grip burying his face against Jaehyun. In the back of his mind, he had a feeling of what was going on—an inkling of what transpired whenever he blacked out. But- Johnny takes another whiff and sighs.

Something cool and hard presses up against his temple and Johnny licks his lips. “Will it hurt?” he whispers. A shake.

“Will you come?” A nod. A click.

Johnny lets out a shaky breath, hands relaxing their grip on Jaehyun. He takes a moment to feel that quiet rise and fall of Jaehyun against him and that steady beating in his ear. “I love you,” he softly murmurs. It’s a simple phrase—one Johnny’s been saying nearly every day for the past few years, but with it goes all the guilt and shame, all the agony, all the fear. It leaves him feeling a little lighter knowing that finally, _finally_ all this is going to stop.

“I know.” Johnny can feel Jaehyun’s gentle smile even if he doesn’t see it. Twin dimples, eyes squinted up into two crescents. Perhaps even those lines across his cheeks as his skin pulls taut. “I love you too,” Jaehyun whispers back. In it, Johnny can hear the same mix of emotions, but there’s something a little mournful in that unspoken forgiveness.

A warm hand pushes Johnny’s hair from his face before Jaehyun leans in, nosing down his jaw until he reaches Johnny’s lips. They’re velvety soft and saccharine sweet as usual, but there’s a sadness to how Jaehyun lingers. How he refuses to let go.

“Jaehyun?” Johnny opens his eyes to two honeyed pools staring back at him. They’re shiny and bittersweet, weary and tender all at the same time.

“See you,” Jaehyun whispers, his lips a tickle against Johnny’s.

Johnny smiles, reaching up towards that lovely face for the last time. “See you soon.”

_Bang_. Jaehyun lets out a choked sob and shoves the barrel in his mouth. _Bang._

**Author's Note:**

> so i really, _really_ wanted to try my hand at writing something that was actually horror and not just horror-themed and when the spookfest showed up, well, it was the perfect opportunity to try it out. i had a couple of different ideas before i settled down on this one--ideas which i may or may not revisit some time in the future. there are a couple of things here that i implied but never quite really explicitly said like johnny getting blackout drunk and becoming abusive for one. the one that's a bit more confusing is probably the blood panels and hallucinating/shaking/johnny generally losing himself. blood panels is just this liver enzymes from being a heavy alcoholic and the hallucinations, etc. is delirium tremens. basically what happens when you try to quit alcohol. 
> 
> anyway, that's all i wanted to say about this. i hope you guys enjoyed it! ●▽●
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/kunstaeilation) | [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/kunstaeilation)
> 
> * * *
> 
> **triggers:** alcohol addiction, murder-suicide, physical abuse


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